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育儿

自驱力:不焦虑家长的方法论

作者:admin 2020-10-29 我要评论

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不焦虑并不代表忽视教育,不追求考试成绩也不代表家长们不想把孩子培养成一个优秀的人。跟标准化的育儿方式相比,其实不焦虑意味着动更多脑筋、有耐心和承担压力。

不焦虑的家长并不是忽视教育

 

拒绝焦虑的家长

beijinghaidianqude“xiaoshengchu”,beishenchuqizhongdejiazhangchengwei“renleizuifuzadehuodong”。suiranquxiaolexuanbaxingderuxuekaoshi,mingyunhaishijijiazhangmenkaileyishanchuang,youzhidexuexiaoyijiuyimianshidengfangshizhaoshoubufenchengjiyouxiudexuesheng。mingexique,2019nianhaidianquyoujiangjin3wanmingxiaoshengchudehaizi,kebeijiazhangmenchengwei“liuxiaoqiang”derendafuzhong、qinghuafuzhong、beidafuzhong、shoushidafuzhong、shiyixuexiaohe101zhongxuejiaqilaizhaoshengbuhuichaoguo1500ren。chule“liuxiaoqiang”,shizirangjiazhangmanyideminbanxiao,nenggouzhaosheng2000dao3000mingxuesheng。yongjiazhangmendeshuyu,ruguomeiyounadaozheixieminge“shangan”,haizidemingyunzhinengjiaojidiannao。haidianqudejiaoyusuiranzaiquanguochuming,kexuexiaorengshicanchabuqi。

yaoxiang“shangan”,jiazhangyaoxiangxuexiaodijiaohaizidejianli。zhizuojianlidegonglvelixiedao:neirongyaojianjie,zhifang“ganhuo”,yeshuzai20yezuoyou。zhiyou6nianxuexishengyadexiaoxuesheng,ruhetianman20yejianli,bingqiezaijiqianfenjianlizhongdadonglaoshi,huodemianshizigeni?zuihaodebanfashitigongnenggouzhengminghaizidexuexinenglihexuexichengjidegezhongzhengshu。zheixiezhengshulishuxuebufencengjingzuishoujiazhangzhongshideshihualuogengbei、zoumeibei、yingchunbei、xiwangbei、imcguojishuxuejingsai、meiguo“dalianmeng”deng,yuwenbufenyouchunleibei、yeshengtaobei,yingyubufenyoujianqiaowujiket(qingshaoban)、jianqiaoerjipet(qingshaoban)deng,haiyouqushijiashaonian、honglingjinjiangzhangdeng,yijigezhongtezhangshengzhengshu。suiranjiaoyubujinzhiaoshupeixunyuxiaoshengchuguagou,keyijiuyouzhiliyundonghui、xialingyingdengqitaxingshizuowei“zhanshihaizishuxuenenglidepingtai”。

tongguokaoshishaixuanyouxiurencaizaizhongguoyougulaodechuantong,congsuidaikaishidekejuzhiduranghanmenxuezinenggouzaimenfadazuzhiwai,lingpijiecengxiangshangliudongdetongdao。zheishidongyawenhuazhongshijiaoyudeyigeyuanyuan。congxiandaijingjixuejiaodukan,jiaoyangfangshigenshehuijingjihuanjinghejiaoyuhuibaoxiangguan。zai《ai、jinqianhehaizi:yuerjingjixue》yishulijingjixuejiamasaiesi·depukehefabuliqiao·qilibodiyanjiufaxian:“dibupingdenghedijiaoyuhuibaolvdeguojia,fumugengkuanrong。gaobupingdenghegaojiaoyuhuibaolvdeguojia,fumukenenggengzhuanduan,gengqingxiangyuxianghaiziguanshuchurentoudidelinian。”

自新冠疫情暴发以来,世界各地多校停课,学生无法回到学校继续学习,让一些家长感到焦虑和迷茫

 

meiguozuijin30nianlailiuxing“zhishengjiyuer”deshuofa,zhidejiushiru“haidianmama”bangaocanyudu、gaoshijianmidu、gaokongzhidudeertongfuyangfangfa,tashenzhibujinyiweizhejianshiyubaohuhaizi,haiyiweizhechashouhaizizaixuexiaodebiaoxian,haizixuanzedehudong,haizidejiaoyouhelianai。zheiyangdeyuerfangshiyizhibansuizhepipingdeshengyin。zai《ai、jinqianhehaizi:yuerjingjixue》lizongjieheyinyonglebushaoxinlixuejia、jizhehejiaoyuzhuanjiadeguandian:tadaozhinianqingrenshiqudulixing,eshachuangzaoli,youkenenghuifuyangchuqianpianyilvderen,suoyourendemubiaoshiquxiangtongdedaxue,binghuodexiangtongdegongzuo。sitanfudaxueqianbenkejiaowuzhurenzhuli·lisiketehaimusizhichu,fumubanghaizizuozuoye,qingangguidejiatingjiaoshi,shenzhichashouhaizizhaogongzuohuoshenqingboshi,zuihoupeiyangchudejianghuishibeidong、yilaihequefaxiangxianglidehaizi。

zheixieshengyinmeiyouezhimeiguojiazhangzaiyangyushangtourugengduo,yinweijingjiyuelaiyuebupingdeng、jiaoyutouruhuibaozaizengjia。meiguodejiuyerenqunzhong,zuifuyude10%hezuipinqiongde10%deshourufenezhibi,cong1974niandao2014nianzengzhangleyibeiduo。shangshiji80niandaiyilai,meiguoshouguodaxuejiaoyudelaodongzhegongziyujinshougaozhongjiaoyudelaodongzhegongzizhibicong1.5shangshengdao2。liyiyouguanyingxiangfumudexingwei,ju《ai、jinqianhehaizi:yuerjingjixue》liyinyongdetubiao,daxueyijiazengjiadetongshi,shouguodaxuejiaoyudemuqinzhaoguzinvdeshijiandafuzengjia。zhongguohuifugaokaoyilai,kaoshiduimingyundegaibianxianeryijian。lingwai,riyixingchenghekuodadezhongchanjieji,zaijubiandeshidaiheshehuilichongmanlebuanquangan,zhichangjiaolv、zichanjiaolv、yanglaojiaolv、yiliaojiaoyujiaolvdengdeng,yilunyouyilunbeitaolun。zheiqizhongyuerjiaolvshibaxin,xuequfanghebukebandoushibufeidetouzi,tayouguanhuweilaidehuibao。

兴趣是孩子最好的驱动力

 

jiuzaidaochuchongmanjiaolvshengyinzhishi,yeyoujiazhangduidanchunzhuiqiugaochengjihemingxiaodefengqibiaoshihuaiyi。yinadenverganggangjinglilehaidiande“xiaoshengchu”,zhouweideshurenjuede,yinaruguoxiangqitajiazhangyiyangxiangjingezhongtujingtuizhenverwangqianzou,nengjinyisuogenghaodexuexiao。yinashuo:“zaihenduojiazhangderenzhili,shangqinghua、beidashizuihaodechulu,yushijiuzheiyangyaoqiuhaizi。wojuedebudui。zaidangxiadezhongguo,shangyigehaodaxueyijingbunengxiangcongqianyiyangduimingyunchanshengneimedadeyingxiang。”yinashiyijiajianzhuleichubanshedefubianshen,yuhenduoguojiguoneizhimingdejianzhushixiangshu,zhangfubiyeyuqinghuadaxue。fuqigongzuofanmang,tong“haidianmama”shidefuyuxiangbi,tamendehaiziyangdehencufang。yinashuo,woliangdounengjienahaizijianglaidagailvkaodedaxuemeiyouwomendehao。yinweijingzhenghuanjingbianle,quanmindouhenzhongshijiaoyu。womenweishenmefeiyaoranghaiziqukaoneimehaodexuexiao,kaoneimehaodexuexiaojiuyidingnengguohaozheiyishengma?

tongyinaleisi,queshicunzaibuneimejiaolvdejiazhang。yanhuashiyijiazhiminghulianwanggongsidefuzongjian,zhangfuzaiwaidigongzuo,lianggenverzaibeijingshangxue。tasuiranzhuzaihaidianqu,danyinweigongzuofanmang,jimeimaixuequfang,yemeiyou“haidianmama”deyuerjingli。“tamencongxiaojiubeiyaoqiuzijichulishiqing。laoshirangjiazhangqianzi,woshuo,woqianzilejiudefuzeren,neinizijidejianchahao。tamenbazuoyequandoujianchahaole,bajiazhangqianzichudemaohaodoudianhaolezaijiwo,zhirangwoxieyigemingzijiuxing。”

suxiaohezhangfuxuewulikaibeijingdaohangzhougongzuo,yebahaizidehukouqiandaolehangzhou。xuewushuo:“banhukouqianyideshihou,nianqingdeminjingbuhuibanshouxu,quhanleyigejingyanfengfudeminjinglai。yinweitameiyudaoguobahukouqianchubeijingdejumin。”suxiaodeerzigangduxiaoxueyi、ernianjideshihou,chengjizaimoweidaoshudaozhongxiapaihuai,ketahezhangfuyijiubaxuexidequanzehuafenqingchu。suxiaoshuo:“yikaishierzihuishuo,mamanimeiqianzi,laoshijiwokoufenle。woshuo,xuexishinizijideshiqing,mamameiyouzheiyangdeyiwu。niwangleshi,yaojiantaozijibuyaozebeiwo。manmanditazaixuexiaoshiwu、xuexizhiliangshangduiwomeiyouleyikao。ruguowohuashijianbangletashenme,tahuiganxiewo,guanxishizheimebaide。”

bianqideerzijinnianshanggaosan,erzigangdugaozhongbudaolianggeyuedeshihou,tajiubasuoyoujiazhangqundoutuile。tashuo:“jiazhangqunshijiaolvdeyuantou。biru,tingshuomoujiahaizixueweijifenle,womenyaobuyaozangeban?limiandoushizheizhongneirong。woyizhidoupaobu,paobujiushiyidingyaogenzhezijidejiezoupao,qianwanbunengbeibierendaipaole。nigenderenkenengshigezhangpaojianjiang,qianbanchengjiubanihaojinle。ruguoanzhaozijidesulv,kenengjiupaoxialaile。xuexiyeshiyiyangde。”

 

(插图 范薇)

 

相信自驱力

zheixiejiazhangxiangxindeshihaiziyouziwoqudongdenengli。tanglaladeerzijinnianshangxiaoxuesannianji,yuwenkaoshiconglaimeiyoujigeguo,yinweitahuixiedezibuchaoguo100ge。tanglalameiyoudingzheerzizhongfuxiejishibian,qiaqiaxiangfan,tahelaoshigoutongzhihou,zuoyeshidanduliude,meiciranghaizianzhaoyaoqiuzijixunzhao5geziquxie,meigezixie3bian。tanglalashuo:“xuexidenenglihereqingshihaizitianshengde,nilandoulanbuzhu。biruwodaierziquyiyuandeshihou,tazuandaozhuozidixiabadiannaodianyuanjibale。zheishihaoqixin,taxiangzhidaozheigenxianshiganmade。xiaohaidegezhongtaoqijiushizaixuexi,zhibuguohenduojiazhangyayilezheixietansuoyuwang,qiangjiajitamenbuxihuandedongxi。wolixiangzhongdejiaoyushiyindaohaizijinruwenhuaxuexi,tajuedehaowanle,jiunengjinqu。”

tanglaladezuofayoulilunshangdezhichi。zai《ziquxingchengzhang:ruhekexueyouxiaodipeiyanghaizidezilv》yishuzhong,linchuangshenjingxinlixuejiaweilian·sidikesiludeboshihejiaoyuzhuanjianaide·yuehanxunbajiaoyuguanfenchengtiaozhan-nulimoxingheyali-kongzhiganmoxingliangzhong。tiaozhan-nulimoxingshiwomenzuishuxidesiweimoshi,yikaoshanghaoxuexiaoweimubiao,yilupijingzhanji、nulipinbo。ruguoyudaodeshixiangtanglaladeerziyiyang,diaopi、meinaixinzhongfuxieshangjishibianhanzidehaizi,jiazhangjiurongyixianrujiaolvzhong。eryali-kongzhiganmoxing,jiazhangguanzhudeshihaizideyali,weihaizitigongkongzhigan,yejiushixuanzedequanli。

erzihuixiedezishao,yuwenkaoshichengjicha,tanglalafenxi,yishiyinweixinggehuopohaodong,buxihuanzhongfujixiedelianxi,ershishouzhihaizaifayudangzhong,butaishiyingxiezizheizhongjirouxunlian。keshi,taerzizaihenxiaodeshihoujiunengkandongfeichangyishiliudexijushizaijiangyigeshengyusidegushi,yizhizaijieshouyongxijufangshizuoxushihuasikaodepeixun。tarichangdeyuedulianghenda,yijingzaidudierbianxilashenhuagushi,ziyerenshilebushao。“tadeqisimiaoxiang、biaodanenglidouhenhao,zheixiebujiushixiezuoxuyaojubeidenenglima?wozhidaotayidanyounenglihuozheyuanyiquxiezile,yuwengenbenjiubuchengwenti。”

meigezixie3bian,shitanglaladeerziyuanyiheyounengliwanchengdexuexirenwu,zheijiushikongzhigan。ruguowanchengdehao,zuoyezhixiafangdexiaotaiyanghuihuodelaoshihuadeyidaoguangzuoweijiangli。tanglalashuo:“erziyuexieyueyouxingqu,youshihouhuizhuizhelaoshirangbazuoyeyaoqiugaichengxie5bian。tazuoyeshangdexiaotaiyangdeguangyeyuelaiyueduo。”zai《ziquxingchengzhang:ruhekexueyouxiaodipeiyanghaizidezilv》zhong,zuozherenwei,qiangpohaizijieshoutedingxiangfa,huirangqigandaoshikong,biandeduixuexibuganxingqu。ruguopeiyangjiankangdekongzhigan,huijihaizidailaigezhongjijidejieguo。tanglalashuo:“womeiyouqiwangbaerzipeixunchengmeitiannengxiezi100biandehaoxuesheng。wogengguanxindeshitadexuexixingqushibeidayale,haishibeigulile;tadegexingshirangtahengaoxingdiqufazhanle,haishibeixianzhile。”

yangyumoshiweiyali-kongzhiganmoxingdejiazhang,weilejihaizitigongkongzhigan,zhuyilibuzai“kaoshanghaodaxue”zheiyangdejutimubiao,ershifajuehaizidetedianyincaishijiao。tanglalashuo:“womenbushiyoutianfuderen,meibiyaoduihaiziyouhuanxiang,dantongshiyeyaoxiangxinmeigehaizishenshangyoutebiededifang。xianzailiantezhangdoubiaozhunhuale。biruxuegangqinjiushikaoji,xuexijujiushishangtaikaoyan,quanshinenglianghuadedongxi。yidanbunenglianghua,jiazhangjiuhuangle,huozherenweibuzhongyao。biruyigehaizitiantianjiuxihuanwakeng,zaiwodejieshitixilizheigehaizineixinkenengfeichangqiangda,youyigechuantoushenmedeyuwang,huozhetadeyizhilibuyiban。youdehaiziwayiwajiuzoule,tanengyizhiwaxiaqu。”

yanhuadelianggenverjieranbutong。danvershi“bierenjiadehaizi”,tianshengzhuiqiushangjin,xueximeirangjiazhangcaoguoxin。henduomamayanjiubaoshenmeyangdepeixunban,daizhehaiziqugechukaozhengshu,yanhuameiyouhuaguozheixiejingli。tashuo:“xuexiaolaoshifatongzhiyoushenmebisai,haizijiubaomingcanjiayixia。taxiangxueshenmeban,yedoushizijijueding。qianduanshijianpinghaidianqu‘sanhaoxuesheng’,laoshirangkankanxueshengmendouyoushenmezhengshu。wojialaodazhengshuzhenbushao,yigongyou6ge。laoshishuobao2gejiuxing,tadezugouyongle。”xiaonverqueshiyige“foxi”dehaizi,buaishuohua,xuedongxiyehenman。“yinianjideshihou,darenshuo,nihaohaoxuexijianglaiyouhaodeshenghuo。zheixiehuameiyong。tashuo,woxianzaiyetinghaodeya。”yanhuameiyoujiaolvxiaonverbushangjin,ershikandaoleshanguangdian:“tadeluojixingtebieqiang,xihuanzuanyan,zongshiyaozhuomoyixiewenti。zheishitadeqiangxiang,wojiugulita,tajianglaikenengshihejingjingdizuoyanjiu。”

zunxunlianggenvergezidetedian,yanhuazuodebushihaizidelaoban,jitamenshedingmubiao,ershichengzhangzhongdeguwen。yanhuashuo:“danveryouduanshijianxiangdangzongtong,wojiujitamaileguanyumeiguolishihemeiguozongtongdeshu。zongtongdouyaozuoxieshenme,xuyaozhangwonaxienenglirangtalejieyixia。xiaonverxiangdangyiyuanyuanzhang,wochenshishuo,nidexinggedanggeyishengmanhaode,danshidangyishengbijiaoxinku。xiaonvershuotabupaxinku。zaizheixieliaotianzhong,zhuyaoshiguliheyindao。”yanhuanaixindengdaihaizidechengzhang。tashuo:“xiaonvershaoweiyouyidiandianbiaoxianbucuo,wojiuqukendingta。laoshikenengzhishiqingmiaodanxiedibiaoyangleyiju,woyebazheigekendingfangda。tashoudaozheixiezhengxiangdejili,suiranbiaoxianyijiuburujiejie,keyijingzaixianghaodefangxiangfazhanle,zhidaoshangjinle。yudaozheiyangdehaizibitayemeiyong,jiudemanmanfajuenapayigeshanguangdianqupeiyang。tajianglaizhishaochiwanfanshibuchoude。”

bianqiduihaizideyangyuyeshi“yangzhangbiduan”,zhiyaoshihaiziganxingqudefangxiang,tadouquanliyifuzhichi。erzichuerduijinrongganxingqu,tajiuquwenxuejinronghejingjidepengyoushenmeyangdeshushihepujijichuzhishi,suoyitaerzichuerjiukanledaxuebenkejiaocai《hongguanjingjixue》《weiguanjingjixue》。chusanshihaizixiangxueliangziwuli,tayouzhanzhuanzixun,maileyitaofeimande《wulixuejiangyi》。gaozhongshi,tasongerziquhaiyangjijinkucanjiazhongxueshengdejiyinbianjihuodong,meixiangdaohaizijiucizhaodaolezhenzhengdexingqu。“tawanquanchenjinzailimianle,neiyizhoushijianlianyigedianhuadoumeidaguo,weixinyebuhui,xuedefeichangtouru。wofaxianzheigebianhuazhihou,chengshengzhuijijitabaominglemashengligongxueyuandeshengwujiyingongchengdasai。bisaididianzaiboshidun,tayaoqiuzhongxueshengcongkeyanlixiang、shejishiyandaozhenglishujujianmozuozhenggeliucheng。bisaishituanduixingshi,zaidaoshidedailingxiaxueshenggesiqizhidiwancheng。erzishuobuyaodangduizhang,zhiyaozaishiyanshizuojiuxing。taweizheigebisaitourulechabuduoyinianshijian,nalegejinpai。”bianqishuo。

jinnianshujia,suiranmianlinshengrugaosan,bianqiyijiubangerzizhaodaoshixijihui,zaishanghaideyigeshiyanshigongzuo。bianqishuo:“erzideshoujizhifulianzhewolaogongdeyinxingka,meiyibixiaofeiwomendoukandedao。wolaogongjingchangshuo,weishenmezhouliuzhourierziyouqushangbanle?tabushi‘996’,shiyizhou7tianzaishiyanshili。youshihouhuiquwanlemeiyouditie,haiyaozuochuzuche。”zheixiejinglirangbianqideerziquedingledaxuefangxiang。bianqishuo:“tacongqianxiangxueshengwugongcheng,xianzaiyijingshousuodaofenzishengwuxue。taduiweilaifeichangmingque,jiushijibingzhiliaoyanjiu。”zheizhongchenjinzaizijideaihaolidexuesheng,zaixuexiaojingzhengzhongbingbuchuyuyoushi,yinweizheigeshijianlibierendouzaizuoti,weikaoshidegaofenernuli。zaierzixiaodeshihou,bianqijiuduitadexuexichengjimeiyoutaigaoyaoqiu,daolegaozhongyemeiyougaibianchuzhong。bianqishuo:“tazaigaozhonglichengjibutaihaokan,woyecengjingduanzanjiaolvguo,ruguotachengjihao,weilainengshenqingdaogenghaodexuexiao。kehaiziduizheijianshiderenshihaibugoushen,nanqianggaizhuanghaishiyaozhuangde。woshizhongjuede,xingquyaodayuchengji,duixuexidereqingzuizhongyao,zheiyangxiangjiubujiaolvle。”

上名校就幸福吗?

zheixiejiazhangbubaxuexichengjizuoweijiaoyudehexin,yeyinweitamenduichenggongdelijie、duihaizideqixubutaiyiyang。yinaguanchadao“shangmingpaidaxueduimingyundeyingxiangmeiyoucongqianneimeda”,qishiyoushujushangdezhichi。《“longmen”zhihou:dangdaizhongguodaxuezhongdejiaoyufenceng》zhongyinyongdeshujubiaoming,cong1978niandao2017nian,woguogaodengjiaoyumaoruxuelvcong2.7%zengjiadao45.7%。genjuguojiyibanbiaozhun,gaodengjiaoyumaoruxuelvzai15%yixiashuyujingyingjiaoyujieduan,15%dao50%weigaodengjiaoyudazhonghuajieduan,50%yishangweigaodengjiaoyupujihuajieduan。womendegaodengjiaoyuyijingkuaiyaojinrupujihuajieduan,daxuewenpingdejiazhigenwomencongqianyinxiangzhongdexiangbi,dadajiangdile。

yixiejiazhangzuoweigaokaodeshouyizhe,zaizhichangshangjingfengyu、jianshimianduonian,kanfaqueshihuifashenggaibian。suxiaoshiyijiadashujulingyudujiaoshougongsidepinpaizongjian,gongzuozhongjiechudaohenduoyinweihulianwanghegaokejiershixianjiecengkuayuederen。tabingbubaxuexihaoheshiyechenggong、renshengxingfukanchengyinguoguanxi。“shouxianshiniyoumeiyoujihui,qiciyoulejihuinengbunengbawozhu。jiecengyueshengshihenduoyinsucuchengde,woduihaizideqiwangshitayaodongdezenmexingfudiguoyisheng。daduoshurenshixiangduipingyongde。wohelaogongxuewuyezaizheilimian,zhibuguowomenxiwangzijikaixinyidian。suiranwomennianjijianzhang,kewomendeyueli、shiye、panduanbinianqingshihaole,womenjiuhenkaixin。womenyijiuxiang20suiyiyang,duihenduoweizhidedongxichongmankewang,kanhenduoshu,yehenkaixin。”suxiaoshuo。

suxiaohexuewushichengzhangxingsiwei,bubajiehunshengzikanzuorenshengzhongdian,burenweihuozhejiushiyihaiziweizhongxin,shenzhiranghaiziweilaishixianzijinianqingshidemengxiang。xuewushuo:“womendejiecenghennanshixiankuayuexingdetisheng,kebingbuyingxiangwomenhaizainulijinbu。”zheixieduirenshengdekanfa,tamenzairichangliaotianzhonghuifenxiangjihaizi。xuewudaizhehaizicongxiaoxueweiqi,tagenerziliaochenggongdehanyi,shuo:“kejieweishanengnaguanjun,bushitayidingnenggouzhanshenglingwaiyigeren,ershishenglv。bisaihechenggongdoushigailvwenti,meirennengbaozhengchenggong,zhinengbaozhenggailv。”bachenggongkanzuogailv,bachengzhangkanzuoyijianzhongshendeshiqing,suxiaohexuewujiubujiaolvle。suxiaoshuo:“erziyi、ernianjichengjibuhao,rendeyishenghenzhang,yi、ernianjishenzhizhishizhenggexiaoxuedeyiduaneryi,duizhengtimeineimezhongyao。chengjibuhao,womenhuikannengbunengbangtajiejueyixiewenti,kegengzhongyaodeshi,womenzaiyicongxiaopeiyangtadehaoxiguan、haopinge。”

jibianxiwanghaiziyaoweijinxiuqianchengzuozhunbei,xuexichengjiyebushiweiyidetiaojian。yanhuazaigongsiliyaodaituandui,shenghuozhongyegenchuruzhichangdenianqingrenjiechu,jitamenyijian。congweilaizhichangshangxuyaodeyouxiusuzhilaikan,jiaoyudezhongdianzaiyupingehefeirenzhinengli。tashuo:“womenjialianggehaizi,buguanxuebuxuexi,youxiejibendongxiwojuedegengzhongyao,biruyaofuzeren,nizijideshiyaozuochedi,haiyoujiushileguanhezixin。wofaxianbuzixinduiyigerendeyingxiangmandade。”danvercanjialexuexiaodeledui,jinianxialailuxuyoutongxuefangqi。yanhuadenverduileduiyeshiqulexingqu,yanhuashuo:“wogaosutafangqidehua,leduijiuquerenle。zheigeshihounijibianzaibuxihuan,yededanxialai。womenbunengrangleduisanjia。”duifenshuyaoqiubugao,yeshicongzhangxianqukaolv。yanhuashuo:“xiaohaizinengda80fen,zhishikendingzhangwole。weilebuchucuobizheshuati,huixianzhitadesiweixiangwaituozhan。wodexiaonverxuexibutaihao,ketaxihuantansuo,zheizhonghaoqixintebiezhidebeibaohuqilai。shehuiquefadejiushiquchuangxinhechangshideren。wobunengbizhetashuatijiuweiletigaochengji,burangtaqusikaoluanqibazaodewenti。tatiantianzaiyuanziliyanjiuxiaochongzi,tamingzidezuihouyigezishinuo,xiaopengyouhantafabunuo,wojuedezheitebiebaogui。laodadanzida,aimaoxian,anquanwentirangrencaoxin。kezaishangyeshang,maoxianjingshenshihenzhongyaodetezhi。”

赵蔚很注重培养孩子的独立性(黄宇 摄)

 

 

zhaoyudeerzimashangdaxuebiye,tashizhongduihaizimeiyougonglixingdeyaoqiu,ershixiwangtachengweiyigeneixinchongying、zixin、youquderen。xianzaiyijingkandaoxiaoguo。zhaoyushuo:“zhaogongzuokendingshiyouyalide,dantameiwenti。tazuoshihenrenzhen、zhuanzhu,ruguozhaodaoyifenxihuandegongzuo,haoduotezhidouyoudefahui。womentiantianzaizhichang,douhuizhidaozheiyangdenianqingrenbuhuizhaobudaohaogongzuo,buhuimeiyouhaoshiyede。”tayizhihenzhongshipeiyangerzidulijiejuewentidenengli。wunianjishi,erzizhuanququanyingwenshoukedesilixuexiao。“womenyuqijita6geyuedao1niandeshijianqushiying,meixiangdaotahuale3geyuedeshijianjiunengtingdong80%deneirong。banshangyougetongxueshimalaixiyahuayi,huijianghanyu,tagenneigetongxuezuopengyou。haiziruguoxiangxuexi,tazijihuixianghenduobanfa。”daxueli,zhaoyudeerzimeigezhouliudouzaixuexiaocantingzuozaowucan,jianchileyigexueqi。“tashuo,daxuelidouyaoshejiao,yaobujiuqugenrenhejiu,yaobujiuqucanjiashetuan,ertayongzuofandefangshi,jiejuelezheigewenti。zuowanfan,chulaiwendajiahaobuhaochi,butongnianji、butongxingquderenjiudourenshile。tashijisuijiuzaijiazuofanle,yongzijishanzhangdefangfajiejuewenti。”

yinweiyishidaohaizizaishehuishanglizuxuyaodesuzhihenduoshixuexiaobujiaode,zhaoyuchuanglileqixingyingdijiaoyu,yongzhutiyinghui、xiaxiaodengfangshibahaizimenjuzaiyiqi,peiyangtamendefeirenzhinengli。biruzhendui4suidao6suihaizidexijuying,tongguoyueduhuiben、biaoyanxijudengfangshi,ranghaizirenzhirenleidejishizhongqingxu,yijiganshouqingxuhebiaodaqingxu。tongguozheiyangdekecheng,jiaqianghaizidezhuanzhuli、tigaoshejiaonenglihepeiyangxitongsiweinengli。jiaoshideqiangshanghaitieleyixiekapian,qianyimohuadiyingxianghaizidesiwei。biru,zaijiaohaizihuangejiaodukanwentishi,kapianshangxie“zheitainanle”,keyihuangesiwei,“wokenengxuyaogengduodeshijianhejinglicainenggaoding”;“wobukenengxiangtayiyangcongming”,keyihuangesiwei,“tashizenmezuode,woyeyaoshishikan”。huozhe,yongtiekapiandefangshijiaohaizilijieguize:womenyaotingduifangshuohua;shoushiyonglaibangzhude,bushiyonglaishanghaide;womenyaozaihushuangfangdeganshou;womenyaoduiwomenshuodehezuodefuzeren。7suidao18suidehaizi,keyicanjiaguoneiguowaidezhusuyinghui。zhaoyushuo:“henduohaizidoushijiazhangsongdaojihedian,ranhoutamenzijizuodabaquyingdi,shenzhiyixiewaidihaizizijizuohuoche、feijilai。zheixiehuodongduanlianletamendedulinengli。”

zhaoyudeerziyezaiyingdizhangda。tashuo:“biedehaizishujiakenengqubuxiban,woerzishiquyingdiganhuo。ta14suikaishijiubangwozuofanyi,guowaitebieyouzhidejiaoyuhuiyikaihenduogongzuofang,wojiurangtaquting,huilaijiwojiangdoushixieshenmeneirong。zongcanjiazheiyangdehuodong,tagenbutongnianling、butongguojiaderendajiaodaodenenglijiuduanlianchulaile。zaidayidian,tajiuzaiguowaiyingdidangdaoshi,genchengnianren、daxueshenghezuo,guanlihenduohaizi。”zhaoyudeerzi16suiduzicongbeijingquyingguoshanggaozhong,18suizijixuandaxue,wanchengshenqing。“woqueshijuederenjiayizhidoushikaoziji,daxueyeshitazijixuande,zuihougaosuwomenxiangshangyigewenlixueyuan。shenqingdaxuedeneitianwanshang,tababa12dianshuide,wo2dianshuide,tazaoshang6dianduocaishui。womensangerenzaibutongdedifang,wozaiweixinqunliwen,zenmeyangle,cailiaodoudijiaolema?tashuo:‘meishier,nimenkeyishuile。’”zhaoyushuo。

2019年5月,江苏省南通市第十届小学生智力运动会上,参赛小选手进行围棋比赛(视觉中国供图)

 

不焦虑的原生家庭

duihaizidechengjibujiaolv,qishiyegenjiazhangzijidechengzhangjinglihesiweifangshiyouguan。tanglalanengjieshouerziyuwenkao19fen,yinweitameiyoubacanjiagaokaozuoweiyigemubiao。“wobaqiwangzhifangdehendi,haizikenenggenbenkaobushangdaxue,jiushiyigejicenggongren。yinweiwoduitadechengzhangmeiyoukpi,buhuiyingsaijitadongxi。woxiwangtazijichengzhangdaoyidingchengdu,birutaxiangchengweishenmeyangderen,zuoshenmeyangdeshi,neixinyuanwangfeichangqianglie,ziranjiuquzuole。zheigekenengweilaiersanshiniancainengxianxianchulai,danzheiguochengzhongqiaowushengxidiyijingzuochuyixiegaibian。”tanglalashuo。chulexuexibuhao,tanglaladeerzitebietaoqi。“woerzijiushibierenyanlibiaozhundexionghaizi。tadagai3suideshihou,jiuyoupengyouyouxinchongchongdishuo:‘nixianzaibuguan,zhangdagaizenmeban。’woxinlifeichangqingchu,woyoubianjie,bierendebianjiekenengshifangzineimeda,wodeshizuqiuchang。birushangdaoyoueryuandaban,jiazhangturanfaxianhaizisahuang,jiubengkuile。woerziconglaibusahuang,sahuangdoushipajiazhangzebei,woerzimeiyousahuangdebiyaotiaojian。”zaizheizhongziyouzhuyidehuanjinglizhangda,“zheigehaizixinliyoureqing,reqingjiushiyigerenneixindeyuandongli,keyiquzuorenheshiqing。biru,bierenjuedewoerziyoulimao,qishiwoconglaimeijiaota。tajiushixihuanren,jiandaorenjiugaoxing。buxiangyoudehaizijiandaorenshimianwubiaoqingdiwenhao,zhishizhixinglejiazhangyaoqiudeshejiaoguize”。

tanglalazijijiushizheiyangzhangdade。“woshi70niandaishengren,neigeniandaihenduofumushicubaode,danwocongmeiyouaiguoma,meiyoubeifumufoudingguo,wanquanshixingfuchengzhang。fumuyitianyemeiyouyaoqiuwoxuexi,wokaoshangledaxue,kaoshangleyanjiusheng。”tanglalabushibiaozhundehaoxuesheng,laizilaoshideyalibeifumudidangle。“wodaodaxuedeshihoucaizhidao,zhongxuelaoshicengjingyinweiwokankewaishu,zhaoguojiazhang。tongchangqingkuangshijiazhanghuijiazhishaohuigenhaizishuoyixia,neigeniandaihaoxiejiazhangjianhaizikankewaishujiuyaosishu,xiederijiyeyaoshaole。erwomaliantidoumeiti。tahoulaishuo,tajuedekankewaishushizhudongxuexi,nenghuodeewaidezhishi。woduierzidelijiehejiaoyufangshijiuyuanyuwomaduiwodelijiehejiaoyu。”

10月8日,江苏宿迁市某跆拳道培训班的学生在做横踢训练(视觉中国供图)

 

baifenzhibaiziyoudejiaoyuyouquexianma?tanglalajuedefeiyaoshuodehua,shiwanshu。30suiyiqian,tanglalameiyouzhengguoyifenqian,zhengtianchihewanle。“womeigeyuezhiyouyiliangbaikuaiqiandeshenghuofei,chiroujiushimaiyikuaiwudejijiaaoyiguotang。kewokaixinya,qingchunyitiandoumeiyouhuangfei,wandebibierenduo,tebieshuang。”tanglalashuo。zheizhongzhuangtaizaiqitarenyanlishifeichanglingrendanyoude。tanglalameiyougongzuo,meiyouzujianwendingdejiating,fulaoxiangqindouzhizetabudongshi,kefumuyijiumeiyoucuibi。tanglalashuo:“womamangmudixinrenwo,rangwomangmudizixin。zheizhongziyangzai30suiyihouyuelaiyuexianluchuhoujing。woduizijiderenzhiyuelaiyueqingchule,caiyouleyingduishijieshangyiqieshiqingdenengli,fouzetebierongyisuibozhuliu,bierenyishuogeshenme,jiuhuangle。wodekangyaxingtebieqiang,haiyoudajiayanlideleguan,zheixiedoushiyouyuantoude,yuanshengjiatingdadedizihou。”tanglala40suiyihoucaikaishilianxugongzuo,zheixiejinglichengletaduierzidexinxin,moushengmeineimenan。“wogentonglingrenxiangbi,suoyoushiqingqibudouwan,keyemeiyouluopojietou。wozaibeijingfangziyeyou,cheyeyou,xilihutugaiyoudedouyoule。”tanglalashuo。

yanhuazhuzaihaidianqu,benlaitebierongyibeijiaolvqifenganran,ketaduijiaoyuhenyouzhujian,zheiyelaizitadechengzhangjingli。tameimaixuequfang,ershixuanlejulitagongsiyigonglideloupan。yinweiyanhuajuedehaizizaixuexiqibujieduangengxuyaodeshijiazhangbangzhuyangchenghaoxiguan,tajieshengdetongqinshijiankeyihuazaihaizishenshang。tabudanxinjiaoxuezhiliang。“xianzaidabufenlaoshishibenkehuozheyanjiushengbiye,jiaoxiaoxuezheidianzhishimeiwenti。xuequfangkenengjihuibijiaoduo,biruxueyinleshenmede。ruguozhishixiwanghaizishenxinjiankangchengzhang,putongxuexiaojiugoule。”yanhuabudanxinxiaoshengchuhuapian。“pianquyouyigedajiakouzhongjichadezhongxue,danyeyouhaizikaoshangqinghuafu、beidafu。wojialaodabijiaoshangjin,tazijihuiqudatingzenmequhaoxuexiao,zenmehuapian。woshuo,niyaozuohaozhunbei,nengqu‘liuxiaoqiang’kendinghao,qubuleyemeiguanxi。nijiushangjiamenkoudezhongxue,ruguoyiranbaochilingxian,nijianglaikendingchabule。”

yanhuadelaojiazaiyigexiaochengshi,zhiyouyisuozhongdiangaozhong,chongmanlejingzhengruhejiliedechuanshuo。yanhuashuo:“tingbierenjiangshihenherende,shuoyougedajiejieweilekaoshangzheisuoxuexiaojigeyuebuxitou,wanshangaoyezhilei。wozhongkaodeshihou,juedexitouhuabuleduozhangshijian,wanquankeyixi。aoyediertianjingshenbuhao,woyebuaoye。zhiyaorenrenzhenzhenxuexi,woyekaoshangle,buzhiyushuoyouduonan。woyizhijiumeixiangmingbaichuanshuozhongdezheixiedongxi。”kongjuhenduodoushixiangxiangchulaide。yanhuajuedexuexiaohaobuhao、jingzhengjiliebujiliedoushuyuganraoxiang,hexinshihaizizijiyoumeiyoushangjindongli。yanhuaaixuexilaizifumudeyindao。“woyougegege,wobahoulaitanyan,gegedexuexiguanleyidian,wodexuexitayidianmeiguan,danshitazhuzhongyindao。wogexiezuoye,wobajiurangwozuozaipangbianhuahua,dengwoshangxuedeshihou,yijingxingchenglexuexixiguan。”

yanhuaxiaoshihouxuexihenhao,shengbingbannianmeishangke,xiaoxuebiyeyirankaolepianqudiyiming。tazhangdahoucaixiangmingbai,yinweipingshishurudezhishihenfengfu。jialidaochufangzheshu,xiaohaihenwuliao,tajiaqijiubashujulideshuquankanwanle。xianzai,tabazheigejingyanyongleqilai。zhuangxiufangzideshihou,meigefangjianbaokuoyangtaidoufangleshuzhuo,shuju、shujiayeshisuishoukechu,yingzaodushudefenwei。“canzhuopingshishoushidehenganjing,yebaizheyiliushu。womensuishizuoxialai,wulunnagejiaoluodouyoushufudeweizhikanshuxuexi。woxianzainengnachulaidushudeshijianyijingbuduole,danhaishihuikan。haizimenkandaowoyoukongjiudushu,haoqishulitoushibushihenhaowan,tamenjiuyuanyidu。”

(插图 范薇)

 

依旧花了大量心血

bujiaolvbingbudaibiaohushijiaoyu,buzhuiqiukaoshichengjiyebudaibiaojiazhangmenbuxiangbahaizipeiyangchengyigeyouxiuderen。genbiaozhunhuashuati、songbukebanxiangbi,zheixuyaogengjiadongnaojinheyounaixin。bianqideerzizaigaozhongshiquedinglefenzishengwuxuezheigezhuanye,lizhiweilaijinxingjibingzhiliaodeyanjiu,longzhaozaishaonianzhilushangdehundunfangfoliekaileyigekouzi,keyoujintianzheigedaan,shibianqishijinianlaipeizheerzibashansheshuidetansuo。bianqierzidehukoushicongjiaoyuziyuanyouxiudehaidianquqiandaochaoyangqude,dudeshijiafujindeputongxiaoxue。bianqirenwei,80%dejiaoyuyinggaizaijiating,erbushiyilaimingxiao,gengbushibukejigou。tabajiaqiheqiandouhuazailedaizhehaizichongfendiwanshang,daochuguangbowuguan,manshijielvxing。“waimiandeshijieshixuexideguangkuotiandi。birubowuguanjiushizhishidediantang,beijingdebowuguanwomendouguangbianle,budanyougonggongtixide,haiyouzhongkeyuanxiashukeyandanweiduiwaikaifangdebowuguan。zaibeijing,gezhongjiangzuo、yinlehuidoushifeichanghuiminde。beijingdekanwan,haiyouwaidide、waiguode,fanzhengchuquwanxiaohaijiukaixin。”

shangdaogaozhong,erzidexingquzhubuquedingzaikeyanshang,bianqijiuxiangbanfarangtashixi。bianqicongqianzuoguohenduoniandemeitigongzuo,richangjiushisoujixinxiherudahailaozhenbandizhaodaoheshidecaifangduixiang。tabazheixiebenlingdouyongshangle。xianliechuerziganxingqudefangxiangzaiguoneidekeyandanwei,kannaxiedifangyouzhaoboshishengdexiangmu,huozhedaxueshengxialingying,zaiaigedadianhuaguoquwen,zhaobuzhaogaozhongsheng。“dabufenrentingshuoshigaozhongsheng,doujianyixianhaohaozhunbeigaokao。houlaishanghaineigezhongxinshuo,huanyingyouzhiyucongshikeyandezhongxuesheng。wojiuzaitadewangzhanshangzhaoyouketidedaoshi,jidaoshixieyoujianjieshaohaizidexingquhekeyanjingli,jiuqushangle。jiazhangzhendeyaokaidongnaojinjihaizixunzhaoqudao。wojiameiyouzheifangmiandeziyuan,kewobuyiyulidizhao。”bianqishuo。

zheiyang“linglei”dejiaoyufangshi,jiazhangyaochengshouwaijieyali。bianqideerzicongchuzhongkaishi,buxihuandekemujiubuxiezuoye,laoshizuihoudoubuzaizhaotale。erzideyuwenchengjibuhao,zhangfurangtajibuyibu,bianqishuo:“yuwenkaoshidoushiyoutaolude,zheizhongdongxilianxitaiduolehuiyingxiangzhenzhengdexiezuo,suoyi,bujiaoshizuihaode。”tabeiqitajiazhanglaheiguo,shenzhigenzhangfuzaijiaoyulinianshangyeyoufenqi。“wozhangfushichuantongjiaoyumoshichulaideren,tashitebieyangedejiazhang,renweihaizijiuyaohaohaoxuexi,tinglaoshidehua。wojihaizijiangdeshi,bingbushishenmeshiqingdouyoubiaozhundaan,laoshishuodeyebuyidingquandui,yaodulisikao,xingchengzijidepanduan。”zuihoushuofuzhangfude,shixiaoguo。zhongkaomanfen580fen,bianqideerzikaole567fen。“zhongkaozhihou,wotebiegankaidiwenlaogong,zaihuidaoguoquniyuanyiranghaizicongxiaoshuatima?womenneishihouyejuedingsonghaizichuguodudaxue,yinweitashiyigeaitiaozhanquanweidehaizi,naodongtebieda。zaiguoneibiaozhunhuadetixilitayenengxuedehenhao,kewomenxiangbaohutadesiweihuoyuexing。”bianqishuo。

suxiaohexuewudehaizizaixuexideqibujieduanjiubushunli。xuewushuo:“erzicongshangyoueryuankaishijiumeibanfabakeshangxialai,bierendouzairenzhenshangke,tabangedengzizuozaimenbiansuishixiangzou。youeryuanyouwaijiao,taxuelesannian,ziwojieshaodoumeixuehui。”

suxiaohexuewuzijixiangbanfabangzhuhaiziburuzhenggui,tamenbazheigenantichaijiekailai,yibubujiejue。shouxianshiranghaizinengbakeshangwan。“wozuizaojitabaoleyigehuahuake,huadezenmeyangwobuguanxin,wozhixiangkankantanengbunengbakeshangwan。zheigekeyoudianerzuoyong,woyoujitabaoletaiquandaoban,zheigekeyaoshangyigebanxiaoshi,bihuahuabanshijianzhang,laoshiyaoqiuyouhenyange。tazheilipaoyixia,neilitiaoyixia,buhuizongzuozhe。zheigekedadaowodemubiaole,jiushikeyibakeshangwan。”xuewushuo。shanglexiaoxue,haizidexueyebiaoxianguoranbuhao,chengjizaizhongxiayoupaihuai。xuewumeiyoujihaizifudaojutidetimuzenmezuo,ershijitajiangxuexifangfa。“woshuoxuexiyouwugecengci,zheigehuafenqishishiwoxiabaide,danshidaolidoudui。diyigecengcishikeqianyuxi,kehoufuxi,shangkerenzhentingjiang;diergecengcishizhidaozijideruodian;disangecengcishizhenduiruodianxiakugongxunlian;disigecengcishilaoshibujiao,zijitiqianxuewan;diwugecengcishidingjiangaoshoule,baxuedaodeneirongronghuiguantong。”xuewushuo。

xuewuzaierzimianqianhenyoushuofuli,tazijijiushicongxiangcunxiaoxue,yaxiankaoshangxianyizhong,daobiyedeshihouchongdaolenianjiqian10ming,zhidaogaokaokaorubeijing。“wojidehenqingchu,xiaoxuesannianjitongkaocaikaole62fen。xianzaidehaizijiusuandaoshudiyichengjiyeyouqibashifen。erzijuedetabiwodeqidianhaiyaogaoyixie,zheitaofangfahaitinglihaide。”xuewushuo。haizikaishiyidiandianjinbu,wangqianzhuigantongxuemen。qishi,suxiaohexuewudegongzuoshifenfanmang,xuewuchuchapinfandenianfen,yinianzhongyouyibanshijianzhuzaijiudianli,quankaodianhuayuanchengbangzhuhaizi。“xiaoxueernianjideshihou,haizigenwoshuotazaibanshangyijingzhongdengle,erqiehaifenxishuo:‘baba,meiyouguanxi,zheigechengjihaiyaosuanshangpingshidezuoye。qitatongxuedezuoyedoushijiazhangbangzhegai,dierbiancaiquanduide。’”suxiaohexuewubujihaizipigaizuoye,xiecuolejiurangtazhimianlaoshidepingjia。

wangqianzhuiganzhilu,kendingyoucuozhe。xuewugulihaizi:“xuedongxidoushicongfeichangchakaishide。nikeyicongfeichangcha,daobijiaocha,zaidaoyibanban、tinghao,zuihoudaogaoshou、dingjiangaoshou。meiguanxide,nizhiyaoyizhinuli,youyitianzonghuichengweigaoshou。”taxiangbanfaranghaizitihuidaowulunchuyushenmeyangdeweizhi,douyoujihuitongguonulibaneigeweizhiwangqianyi。zheigenulibujiandeshijiaolvhuozhegongli,yekeyixiangshounulideguocheng。yushi,tazaihaiziganxingqudeweiqishanghualehenduoxinsi。xuewupeizhehaizizaiwangshanggenchengnianrenxiaqi,meiyipandoushu,shuduolejiuhuanyigezhanghaojixuxia、jixushu。“tadiyicizaixuexiaobisaideshihou,jingguogendarenxiaqidecuican,duishouhuanchengxiaohaijiuganjuehenrongyi。neicibiaoxianzhenjinglexuexiao。haizidezixinxinhemianduicuozhedenenglidouyoule。dangshi,tadeyuwenzaibanshangkaozuihoujiming,xiaqishuledounengjieshou,jicikaoshimeikaohao,duitadedajijiumeineimedale。”xuewushuo。

suxiaohexuewucongyikaishijiubagenhaizideguanxibaichengchengzhangdetongxingzhe。suxiaoshuo:“womenbubahaizidezhudaoquanzhuazaizijishouli。womenxiangpengyouguanxi,doushijiangdaoli,ruguopipingta,yidingyougeliyoushitajuedezijiqueshiyouwenti,tahuijieshou。womenjiajibenmeiyouhaiziweiledadaomudekunaodagundeqingkuang,suoyi,tahenxinrenwomen,yuanyitingbamadejianyi。guoranzaimouxiedifangjinbule,tazijiyehuihenkaixin。womenbangzhutaxuexijinbudefangfanenggoubeitacainaheshijian,zheizhongxinrenguanxishicongxiaojianlide。”

zheixienulibuhuimashangkandaozhibian,kemeicijinbuyidiandian,haizixianzaiwunianjiyijingnengkaodaoqianjiming。dansuxiaohexuewudechengjiuganyijiubuzaiyufenshushang。xuewushuo:“congqiantongxueshengriyanshibuhuiyaoqingtade,xianzaikaolediyi,henduojiazhanglaizhaosuxiaojiaoliu。wozijiyouyigelinian,tiancaishibuyongjiaode,dabufenrendoushiputongren。womenzuizhongyaodeshishenweiputongrenzenmeguohaoyisheng。duihaizilaijiang,xuexiyaoxueshijinian,woqimayaobangwoerzibazheishijiniankuailediguoxiaqu,bingqiezheishijinianshitajianlihaodepingehexuexixiguandejieduan,yaoquebaotabuchuwenti。”


1.benzhanzunxunxingyeguifan,renhezhuanzaidegaojiandouhuimingquebiaozhuzuozhehelaiyuan;2.benzhandeyuanchuangwenzhang,qingzhuanzaishiwubizhumingwenzhangzuozhehelaiyuan,buzunzhongyuanchuangdexingweiwomenjiangzhuijiuzeren;3.zuozhetougaokenenghuijingwomenbianjixiugaihuobuchong。

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